WARNING: This is random, completely all over the place, and possibly slightly offensive. But, it is what was in my head and I needed to get it out.
So......I have gotten stronger and stronger during my faith journey lately, and even though there have been some all too recent speed bumps, any vice I enjoyed in the past has become completely empty and joyless. It makes me happy because it proves to me that my heart is in the right place, and that I am in love with God instead of all of the earthly things that used to consume my mind and time. However, it is also a new struggle altogether....I say this because I find myself being bored doing things that I used to find entertaining. Enjoying my rights as a 21 year old for instance.....I have many friends who love to drink, and since all of these changes have happened in my heart...it just isn't as amusing to me as it used to be. Sure, I will enjoy a beer or glass of wine every now and then, but I never aim to get trashed or make a fool of myself. On the rare occasions that I consider the idea, I find myself getting bored and uninterested in the idea halfway through my efforts. The same goes for getting attention from guys. I have always been the girl that based my self esteem on if a guy likes me or not, or if I am in a relationship or in the very least being pursued. But lately, it all just seems so incredibly silly. The idea that any woman feels better about themselves because some guy tells them they are pretty or wants to have sex with them seems like a big joke! Of course, if you are willing to offer, anyone will take it. It isn't about how many guys want you physically, that is relatively easy to obtain and in the end completely pointless and disrespectful to yourself. I think of all of the times that I desired male attention and approval, just on the emotional level alone and it just makes me feel silly. Why pine over something that God will take care of? Why feel alone when God is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS has the purest intentions for your heart? Why go through tons of relationships with guys who don't see your value just because you feel "alone". It is so true, you should not be with someone if you can't handle being with just yourself. I see too many ladies that I deeply care about that settle for so much less than they deserve just because they are impatient with God's plan and the timing of it. Or because the think they don't deserve better, or because they think that the current guy is the best they could get. It is making me sad, and as much as I hate to admit it, angry! Angry because they are selling themselves short and there is not a damn thing I can do to help them or deter them. I get angry at myself too because I get impatient at times. I don't act on it thankfully, but the temptation alone makes me feel bad.........bottom line......loneliness is the human condition, but that is not an excuse to sell yourself short and make poor decisions.
Another thing I have noticed since my heart has changed, is that I have way more convictions (lol I'm sure this is obvious if you read the above section, sorry to offend anyone...I just hate beautiful women that I love making decisions that will hurt them later)...but anyways, these convictions are leading me to just look at things in entirely different ways. I am becoming passionate about things I used to be fairly indifferent about, and uncomfortable and disenchanted with things that I used to like. It scares me. It makes me worry that I will turn into one of those judgemental angsty "Christians" that I am ashamed to be associated with. Sometimes I get angry at certain decisions people make because I feel they are wrong and I feel that they could do better for themselves. Not out of self righteousness, or holier-than-though attitudes (those are crap...Jesus LOVES EVERYONE...which means no judgement...which means none of those superiority shenanigans), no, I get upset because I love people and hate to see their downfall or unnecessary struggles. I just pray that I can use that frustration which is really sadness and love combined...and channel it to actually reach people and show them love and kindness, and show them who God is so that their hearts can change for the better.
BOTTOM LINE: My heart is constantly changing, causing me to make better decisions or attempt to, and also causing me to want to rise above my previous selfishness and quick temper, in order to use my passion and love that is in my heart, to lead and inspire people, to take care of them, and to open them up to what it truly means to love God. To know him, trust him, be completed by him, and to change because of him. I hope that I will stay grounded and strong in my convictions without being rude or turning people away. I want to stay my easy going, accepting self, while answering to a higher calling and higher standards for myself all at the same time. It can be done, it will be done, because no matter what Christ is love. Change in general scares me, so I guess my new found strength and mental processes are scaring me at the moment. I don't know. But above all else, I aim to love and live like God wants me to, more than I ever have before.
