I Am Woman...

 So lately I have been feeling really strong, and empowered. I was going through a rough patch for a while, dealing with silly drama and feeling all low and sad about things that were out of my control. Even though at first I had thought that I had lost myself only recently, it turns out I lost myself last semester. I was only a shadow of myself the first semester of the year. I could blame it on all sort of things, an unhealthy relationship, insecurity, being in a new place, etc. etc. But no matter what, somewhere in there I lost me. I lost the bubbly, outgoing, ditzy, silly, caring, active person that I have grown to be. Now that I have overcome my current obstacles, and now that I have re-discovered the beauty of Christ, I.AM.BACK. And stronger than ever :).

For my entire dating career I have felt like I was not desirable or that something was wrong with me if I was single. A guy not pursuing me after I made myself known meant something was "wrong" with me. And I am really discovering that until now, I was not fully comfortable in my own skin. I was still relying on others to define my worth. But now I realize that there is a sense of pride and confidence in being a single woman. I have power that I didn't before. The only person who defines me is God, and myself. And now that I am only relying on him and me, I feel pretty darn good about me. I finally feel pretty, smart, a good person to be around. I am not asking someone to tell me all of these things or to "prove" that I am all of these things. I am finally satisfied with myself. Something I have always strived for, and have even lied to myself about from time to time. But I finally made it. I am finally a strong woman of God, ready to serve my purpose and to give to those who really NEED me, I.E. my future students and the children I plan to volunteer with. I can finally say with full confidence, that I don't care whether or not guys are trying to be with me or not. I can finally be selective and decice that if they don't love Christ as much as I do or more, then they can just stay in the "friend zone". I won't settle for something that God doesn't want for me in the first place.

I am finally ready to be a vibrant, self sufficient, happy me. It took forever for me to get it, and I'll still struggle, but I really feel like I am well on my way to becoming the woman that I have always wanted to be or admired in other people. I thank God for his amazingness, and all of the beautiful people who helped me get here <3.
 

This is one of my favorite songs ever, it is by Helen Reddy and it is called I am Woman...lol it is pretty fitting and it always makes me feel good about myself when I am feeling on the weak side.

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Forgiveness=WIN

So, one of the things that I have always struggled with is forgiveness. I am good at getting angry, and I am even better at holding grudges.Its in my genes. Anger has its uses at times, like when I am defending someone who can't defend themselves, or when I need that extra push to run the next few yards or to finish an assignment, but in general, it is no good. It eats at my heart and distances me from God. It also just holds me back from living my life! I have struggled with anger towards my mother for years, and anger towards my ex for weeks. But after watching a video that I just happened to stumble upon yesterday, and after talking with people, praying, and thinking, I have finally come to the conclusion that forgiving is the way to go.  So far I haven't has anything bad come from this forgiveness thing. Quite the opposite actually!


NOW, to the misconception part.....I think that too many people in this world refuse to forgive people because they are waiting on an apology........let that sink in. Think about it, how many times have you said to yourself that you "forgive" someone, if they _________. Ususally, the blank is filled with some form of apology or repentance. But lets be realistic, if someone wronged you, and they know it, they are either afraid you will be angry if they say something, or they are proud themselves. Either way, nothing is moving forward until you are the bigger person. I think that the idea of apology, then forgiveness, is actually reversed. Is it right? No. Is it fair? Absolutely not. But, life isn't fair. Time to be big kids and accept it. I think the biggest example of the forgive then apologize pattern is Christ. Think about it......if God had not sent us his son to forgive us, do you think we would be as comfortable with asking for forgiveness? No way. If God was still old testament.......we would be terrified to ask him to forgive us, especially when we as humans, mess up soooooooo much. But now that Christ is in the picture, now that God has already said "I forgive you", we feel safe, and if we believe we apologize to God very often. I think the same should go with people. I think it is very Christian to forgive before someone apologizes. And what if we do this, and someone never does apologize??????? What about that?.......My answer to that is this: It doesn't matter. They have to live with that choice and guilt. But as the forgiver, you don't have to live with anything. Forgiveness has set you free.



Another thing that really hit me yesterday...we need to forgive ourselves. I needed to forgive myself for a long list of things I had done wrong. And before yesterday, my guilt was holding me back from God, and from peace. I felt like I was not worthy of forgiveness because once upon a time I gave too much to some and too little to others...I hurt myself, I did so many things that God would not have liked. I couldn't believe that he could actually forgive me for everything. But, he already has. He did as soon as it happened and as soon as I apologized after. I realize that now, and now I am so much happier and closer to him. So for anyone who is struggling with their past......................FORGET IT. It is done. It is over, it is NEVER coming back. It is actually an insult to God if you dwell on the past so much that you don't move forward and embrace the present and your future. So do yourself a favor, say, "God, I am sorry, please forgive me for _____". And guess what? You are done. Congratulations you are free and clear, you are made new. You officialy have a fresh start and you are loved! Loved to a degree that you will never understand.




BOTTOM LINE: Forgiveness is key to happiness. God forgives you, you forgive others. It is a wonderful cycle. If Christ can forgive us for past sins, for the hell he went through....we can forgive others for being human. For hurting our feelings, etc. etc. I dare you to think of at least one person you are holding a grudge towards, think about what they did, and think about how human they are. How, maybe they have their own issues to work out. Think about how even if they hurt you, they maybe made you stronger, or taught you  what not to do. Everything has a purpose, everyone has a purpose. Let their assault on you go, let them KNOW they are ok! They are forgiven in your book. Who knows...they may even apologize. If not, you are officialy being Christlike, which is better than any apology anyway.



Here is the video that really inspired this/got things moving along:
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=J1MC91NU

The MAZE

So, tonight Cru put on a show called The MAZE, and it was AMAZING. I had been excited about it all week, I had participated in praying for its success, and I  had even invited some people to go. The whole time I was doing all of that, I had no idea how much it would affect me. After seeing The MAZE, I am even more sure that God is back in my life.

One of the main messages that resounded with me was the idea that living for God is not just "behaving", living for God is trusting him fully. It is letting go of the wheel and letting HIM drive your life. Haha my favorite thing he said was you are getting rid of your "jacked up" life. This thought just really got me. I have been a Christian all of my life, I have come close to God and I have gone far, but this whole time I really don't think I was living for him. I thought I was, I was under the illusion that I was, but when it boils down to it, everything I have done has been for me. Even "behaving" has been done in the hopes that God would grant me a favor or make my life easier. I think tonight I finally got the distinction between living for me, and living for God, down.

The last couple of weeks have been intense. And now that I am out of the storm, I see so clearly EXACTLY what God has done and why he is doing it. I met Keli and Emma as I said in the post before, then I whent through a nasty breakup, and now this week I saw The MAZE, and my heart is on fire for Christ like it has never been before. All of these seemingly random occurences are actually part of an elaborate plan that God made in order to bring me close to him. I see it, I feel it, and so many things are shifting in my life and heart, all of them bringing me to God and his ultimate plan for me. I have wasted so many years following my own plan, doing my own thing, and being selfish. But now I know what to do. I am throwing myself at the Lord's feet, I am letting him drive my life, and I am trusting him fully. He will take care of me, and his plan is more amazing and glorious than any plan that I can come up with for myself. I am ready. LET'S DO THIS!!!! <3 So, so happy.


P.S.
I have never been this in love with God in my entire life. My heart feels so full, so bright. I feel complete and whole, inspired and safe. I have always tried to fill my heart with other things, people, etc. And I finally see taht the love I have been yearning for, is the love that has been waiting for me all along. I am finally so in love with God, that anyone else would have to love him just as much if not more to get near my heart. That is the kind of strong, Christian woman that I have always wanted to be, but have always been to weak to be. But that has changed, it took God a while to get to me, but he did it. I am so excited to see what he has in store for me!

Waiting On A Prince, Settling For Frogs

So, I have always been a relationship girl, I think the longest I have been single is a year? Maybe? Even then I am not sure. If I am not dating someone I am at least talking to somene. I am realizing now that despite the fact that my dating experience has taught me a lot, it isn't necessarily a good thing. I put a lot of myself into relationships, big or small, I can't help but give give give. I get so attached and emotionally invested, and even though I have gotten way better about that the last year or so, deep down I am still searching for my prince. The one guy who won't dissapoint me and who will be there through thick and thin. Blame it on Disney movies, or romantic comedies, but most women have this goal. There is nothing wrong with that, don't get me wrong, but I think that in my past, in an effort to meet the "prince", I settled on some frogs. I don't regret dating anyone that I did, but I regeret putting so much effort, trust, and so much of myself into some of those relationships. I also regret letting them distract me from God. I kissed the frogs, but they just croaked lol. My mind is all over the place, so just to make things clear....I spent too much time worrying about relationships. I tried to make fate happen instead of letting God take care of it. I have a thick skull, I'm stubborn, it took a while, but God finally got through to me and now I am putting my "prince" at the bottom of my priority list. He will fnd me when it is time, until then I need to worry about my relationship with Jesus, my friends, and my future career.

All that being said, I am a creature of habit, and I am sure that I will date sooner than later, but this time around I have a new plan. I am upping my standards. My friend Meagan and I decided that I need a man  of God who loves to two step...if he wears levi's and boots that is even cooler. It seems silly, and there are other "criterion" on my list....and realistically, I won't stick to the entire list. But after dating a few people, I really know what I want. And one thing that I have always settled on, but refuse to from now on, is my significant other's religious view. I have dated so many people that are "spiritual" or "christian", but they don't go to church (not that I am the best at it), and more importantly they don't have a RELATIONSHIP with God. I have always wanted to date someone who loves God as much as I do or more, but I just have not really had the opportunity. I can let go of the two stepping cowboy dream, just like I can let go of my Seeley Boothe fantasy :P, but letting go of wanting someone who worships God...No way! I am done kissing frogs. I want to be with someone who helps me grow spiritually, not someone who holds me back or makes me hide my faith in order to prevent conflict....part of turning a new page is changing my patterns. It is time for me to fully trust God to take care of my future, and to hold him highest in my heart. The only man allowed in it besides God and my father, is a man that loves God with all of his heart too. I have now intimidated every single guy that I know lol. The end.

Starting Over

Life is hard. There are tiny day to day struggles, and there are huge mountains that we have to climb over. No matter what, no one's life is easy or consistantly sunshine and rainbows...But choices can be made in order to make life's difficulties more maneagable. And today, I am making one of these choices. I have always been a Christian, I grew up in church, I have asked God to come into my heart countless times after periods of doing my own thing. And even though I have not lived a "pure" life, God has always been in my heart and mind and my trust has been in him. I used to think that was enough, not because I was taught that, but because I liked being able to do what I wanted and live for me but still have that support system. But now I am realizing that just loving and trusting God is not enough. I have only been seeing the tip of the iceberg here. I can't really think of a time when I was not living for me. Sure, I behvaed better and whent to church more often at certain points in my life, but I was still worrying about earthly pleasures and things like boys or silly little problems that I was moping about. So was that really being faithful?..............Not so much. I finally see it though. I need a change, a REAL change. No more trusting in God and talking to him when it is convenient, no more searching to fill my desire for love with an earthly prince. I have had a prince all along, one who hasn't stopped loving me even though I have dissapointed him and repeated my mistakes countless times. Instead of "living" for God...I am going to LIVE for God. I am going to fill my heart with love, let go of anger, FULLY trust in him, and I am going to surround myself with people who love him as I do if not more. I'm not abandoning any old friends or anything, lol none of that seperating myself from people with different beliefs...I have never thought that technique was very loving to be honest. I am just going to get myself more involved with God, and I am going to be a more positive, loving, faithful person. I need to be so in love with God, that any guy in my life has to love him as well to even come near my heart. That is how it should have been forever ago, and I have always wanted to be one of those strong Christian women. Now is my chance. I am going to do it. I am going to start over and be the person that I have always wanted to be, but was to selfish to do so until now.


On another note....God works in insanely mysterious ways. He brought me to this point, through a series of events that just can't be chance. A few weeks ago I met Keli and Emma, two amazing girls that are really helping me feel at home with God and fellow Christians...and a few weeks after that I lost a relationship that at the time was very valuable to me. Both of those events triggered a yearning for Christ, and healing, and over all a great learning experience. God pushed me over the edge and finally showed me the truth, and after he let me fall to rock bottom, he gave me the tools to climb right back up and become 10X better. I know that right now I am going through an amazing spiritual journey, a key turning point in my life...and thanks to God I have amazing friends that I have known and loved previously, as well as new ones to help me turn a new page. The Lord is truly amazing. I love seeing his power and being surprised constantly by him. <3